"what do you fear, my lady?"

7 Nov 2011



"A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire."
—Lady Éowyn

You might not know that sometimes I'm jealous with people who leave their family and hometown to study in a good university in a big city. I feel that leaving all the people you love and the comfort of your home to live in a strange place, surrounded by strangers, is a step toward maturity. I was born and has been living in a big city all my life. I don't know how it feels to leave my family and my bed to live in another city semi-permanently. I feel that I miss one step toward maturity.

I fear that I have come to be spoiled by the comfort of big city. Everything I want is available here. I'm so used to living in an easy way that I fear I may not be able to survive if one day I have to leave it all.

I once had this resolution of going out of town all by myself before I turn 20; take train and go to Yogyakarta or somewhere farther. It's so sad that I'm 20 now and I haven't even gone to Cimahi alone. My biggest obstacle is, of course, my parents. They will not let me go without company.

Things may not change before I get married. My parents are the ones who are responsible for me until then. And after I get married, it will be my husband. My problem is if my husband doesn't let me go, I can't go. I will be forever inside the cage.

I want to know how it feels to live in another town all by myself. I want to have a small house with a big garden. I want to taste that kind of freedom. And by freedom, I don't mean partying and drinking like crazy. Freedom for me is being alone, doing what I love. It's a simple dream but it's so hard to pursue.

Can I leave the cage?

Sincerely,
Putdar.

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